I am starting out the New Year here at Not25.com with a new partner, my sister Kali. I know you are going to love her as much as I do. She has an entirely different take on all this sex and relationship stuff because she isn’t married and isn’t a mom. And, as promised — to help you get to know her a little — here is an interview I did with her last night — before all the revelry began.
Introducing: Kali
Persephone: This is a site about sex after 40 so I’ll stick to relevant questions. I’m not going to ask where you live or what you do for a living. We will stick to the topic at hand: Sex. So. Who do you have sex with?
Kali: Hmmmm…. That’s an interesting question. Currently I’m not having sex much at all and, when I do, it is with myself. I lost my fiancé at the beginning of this year – or last year I suppose it is now — in a horrific accident. Not only did I lose a great guy and my future husband, I lost my sex partner. And along with him, I lost the desire to have sex. At points in the past year, I have worried — because of all the grief — that perhaps I have lost my desire to have sex altogether. The thought of sex has even repulsed me at times. Then I have a moment, here and there, where sex doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Does this happen to a lot of women in their 40’s? Perhaps it happens to women around the whole having kids issue? I wouldn’t know about that because I don’t have children. But, honestly, this is a first for me. I have never experienced this kind of — dare I say? — frigidity in my life. I sure hope it is just a part of the mourning process.
Persephone: You are named after the goddess Kali who is described in one Hindu tradition as, “The supreme mistress of the universe, associated with the five elements. In union with Lord Shiva, who is said to be her spouse, she creates and destroys worlds.” Do you think you live up to your name? Or has your name affected the way you live your life?
Kali: I see Kali as sort of a dark figure with a light side….or a light figure with a dark shadow. I don’t know how accurately that depicts her but that’s my perception. The story I think of is of how Kali danced around the battlefield after battle, drunk on the blood of her victims. She was so jacked up on her victory that she got out of control. No one could bring her down until someone came up with the bright idea of sending Shiva to the battlefield disguised as an abandoned infant — it was the cries of this little baby that brought Kali back down to earth.
I tend to look at life like a battlefield, like I have to prove something and behave like someone who is much braver that the person I actually am — like a warrior must. And I get carried away with this “warrior woman” persona. I let the victories go to my head sometimes and the defeats. (Honestly I think I take the defeats more seriously than the victories.) I get carried away. I lose control — until something very real brings me back down to reality and I find some humility. I identify with this particular aspect of Kali a great deal.
Plus I like her accessories! She is usually depicted wearing a belt made of human heads or arms. I could get into accessories like that.
Persephone: I know you are thinking about dating again. Describe your perfect date – not just the event but the person.
Kali: I am having a little love affair with my dentist! It was you, Persephone, who put the idea in my head. I should preface this by saying that all my money is currently going to my dentist, who is doing major reconstruction on my teeth. We are talking well into the five figures. So, at Christmas you suggested that I marry a dentist so I could get the friends and family discount. So the next time I went to my dentist, I told him you suggested I marry him to get a discount! He cracked up! He suggested we take it slow, get to know each other, “What about getting intimate before we jump the gun and start talking marriage?” I was like “Dude, you spend three hours every other week in my mouth with one or two of your assistants! How much more intimate can we get?” This was the first time I have flirted in about a year. And I would definitely go out with this guy. He’s a little older than I am and he is not drop-dead gorgeous or anything. But he is nice. And he is surrounded by women all day and they like him. They talk about him with respect and pride. And I swear the man has not had a new employee in decades. That says a lot about a guy: A man who can get along with women, trusts them, relies on them. Give me a bowl of popcorn, a bunch of Netflix, and a guy that knows how to navigate women. I’ll take care of the rest.
Persephone: What gets you hot?
Kali: Pictures of sexy women. That’s funny isn’t it? I don’t see a freakin’ thing in Playgirl I like but Playboy issues are hot. Also witty repartee and practicing hot yoga next to a good-looking guy (or girl.) Wicked turn on! There’s no eye contact, no conversation, you are both dripping with sweat and breathing heavily and not even touching — except for the accidental brush of a foot in Happy Baby. I wonder what the other person is thinking and if he is thinking what I am. Or is he just practicing yoga? I love that mystery. Seventy-five percent of human relations are non-verbal. Sometimes I wish it was more. Leave more to the imagination. In my youth I wanted to talk to a guy to get to know him. Now I like to watch a man, see how he behaves in his day-to-day life. I think a person’s actions speak a hell of a lot louder than their words. So many people just say what you want to hear to get what they want….
Persephone: What would turn you right off?
Kali: A guy that doesn’t even attempt to reach for his wallet when the check comes. Don’t laugh! It happens! I had a friend who would call and ask me to go out to eat. When the check came, he wouldn’t even reach for his wallet. He’d say something lame like, “Are you sure you’ve got this one?” when I would pull out my purse to pay my half. That was a complete turn off. I lost that friend.
Oh! You mean in terms of sex? I think it is a complete turn off when a guy doesn’t notice if he is turning you on or not. You know the type. He just skips right over foreplay and heads for the screw. No warm up. Nothin’. To me, foreplay is the biggest part of sex. You skip that bit and you won’t get a second chance with me.
Persephone: The photo you chose to post on the site is pretty hot. What do you usually wear when you write this blog?
Kali: Nothing. 
My name is Kali and I have joined my sister Persephone here at Not25 to give life after 40 a different view. I survived my 20’s and 30’s, have been a bit of a wild child and it’s taken some time for me to settle down. I finally decided to take the plunge into marriage, and have ended up single non-the-less. So this is the sex and dating scene of a single 40 odd year old woman. Who, has not been having a whole lot of fun lately but wants to seriously change that.
